Are you holding yourself back?

I made a huge breakthrough last week so I wanted to share it because I thought it may resonate with you.

For a long time (and I mean years!!) I’ve had a dream of building something that would help change people’s lives. I’ve tried so many different ways to get my message out but somehow it just never took off. Now to say I don’t have the resources would be a great excuse but that’s not the case. I am educated, experienced, and have a lot to offer but somehow it never seems enough. I mean seriously who do I think I am?

After days of contemplation, I came to the conclusion that I’ve become so attached to my own story of failure that I don’t know who I am without it!

“I’m not scared of failure; I’m scared of success!”

Let me put this into context.

In 1998 after returning from Cyprus I decided to go to university so I could get a good job and give my children a better future. So over the next six years, I studied hard whilst working part-time slicing bread in Asda and raising three children. I finished my degree with a 1st class honours degree which I was extremely proud of. Then I went into teaching and quickly progressed into senior leadership. After eight years I became a national advisor, traveling the country and supporting some of the most underperforming schools in the country. And I was even prouder of myself. Not just because I’d achieved so much in such a short time but also because I was able to give my children what they deserved. Then in 2014, it all changed. I was made redundant and shortly after I got a divorce (yep convenient, a story for another time perhaps).

As I explored this deeper, I came to see that I didn’t want to let go of that story because I had become so attached to the Anna that was made redundant, got divorced, and was almost homeless. I loved that story! I mean who am I without it?

So, I went even deeper to look below this difficulty and realised that I was now anticipating the loss of anything that I might achieve in the future. I’ve internalised the idea that it is safer to stay tucked up in my little world where nobody and nothing can touch me again. SoI returned to The Buddha’s teachings on suffering to find a way to deal with my severe case of self-sabotaging.

The Buddha taught what is called The Four Noble Truths which Thich Nhat Hanh briefly explains as follows:

Truth One:

We all suffer to some extent. And to help ourselves we have to first recognise our suffering and then acknowledge it not by turning away from it but by touching it.

Truth Two:

After we touch our suffering, we need to look deeply into it to see how it came to be.

“We need to recognise and identify the spiritual and material foods we have ingested that are causing us to suffer”

Truth Three:

“Cessation of creating the suffering by refraining from doing the things that make us suffer.”

The Buddha taught the possibility of healing by changing our habitual behaviours.

Truth Four:

Finally, The Buddha gave us The Eightfold Path that if followed can help us alleviate our suffering. In its simplest form it is best described as cultivating:

Right view, Right thinking, Right speech, Right action, Right livelihood, Right diligence, Right Mindfulness, and Right concentration.

In other words, to move forward we must change our habitual and harmful behaviours. In my case, I’ve realised that I’ve become paralysed by the fear of what may or may not happen and this distorted thinking has led to wrong action or more like no action at all!

To stop this habit of holding myself back I will need mindfulness and concentration of thought so I can take the right action. I must constantly check in with my thoughts, adjust my speech and correct any wrong actions.

Thich Nhat Hanh gives the following advice:

“Right mindfulness lets us know when we say something that is not right or do something that is not right and to do this, we need to be diligent and to concentrate. This is how insight arises”

The conclusion I’ve come to is that we hold ourselves back because of a story we have become attached to. It is so ingrained in our minds that we believe it is who we are, and therefore can’t see ourselves beyond that story. Say in my case instead of focusing on the fact that I have achieved so much I allowed that to be completely overshadowed by the loss and negativity of the past.

Neuroscientist Rick Hanson suggests that in order to reframe our stories we should “turn towards the good” slowly allowing the good to become our default.

With this in mind, I’m now rewriting my story so I can stop holding myself back.

What does all this have to do with Relationships?

Well, what if you are the one that is stopping yourself from finding a suitable partner because deep down you don’t believe you deserve a happy relationship? What if you are drawn towards people that aren’t suitable because you think that’s the best you can do? And more importantly, what if you are really attached to the story that you don’t deserve better? This is something I’ll explore in more depth in the coming weeks, so make sure you sign up to get emails delivered to you.

Or visit my Work with Me page to find out how I can help.