Is your family Broken?

My family

Moving on from divorce

I’ve just returned from a weekend away with my now grown-up boys and their families which include my three granddaughters. For a long time after my divorce, I didn’t know if we would ever be able to recover from the pain it caused, however this weekend I realised that although my family may not look like I thought it would, it is certainly not broken.

Watching my boys around each other, and their children I am proud of the men they have become, despite all the difficulties of the last few years. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen many fathers that are as loving and attentive to their little girls as they are. And it got me thinking about this notion of “broken families” and how society seems to portray an ideal vision of family structure. In our society we are told that a good family is one where both parents are in a “lifelong romantic relationship” but over the years I’ve seen many different versions of families that contradict this story.

What seemed like heartache was actually rebirth

My parents divorced when I was a teenager after many years in a marriage that was mostly chaotic and problematic. They married too young; my mother was just sixteen when she had my sister. Then they moved to a foreign country without any extended family, no real education, and had to learn the ways of a new culture. Over the years my mother tried to get out of her marriage but was sent back on every occasion by her parents because although they knew my father was an addict, the shame of divorce was way worse than seeing their daughter suffer. Thankfully things have changed today, it is much easier to end a marriage than back then. In fact, this year the “No fault divorce” became law meaning that anyone can file for divorce without having to give any reason and their partner can not contest it. In addition, the divorce process is now mostly online making it easier and cheaper than before.

Now I’m not going to make a case for or against marriage, it is a choice one must make for themselves. However, what I do think is important is to stop the shame that comes with divorce or a relationship breaking up. The ending of a relationship should not be made difficult or seen as a failure and we must change the narrative around this so-called “broken family”. In fact, ending a relationship can be more courageous than staying in a toxic one.

What is a broken family?

In a broken family the adults lack the ability to understand each other and because of that cannot communicate effectively, often leading to arguments and ongoing suffering. When this is the case and if the adults are not able to improve their relationship then letting go of the relationship is often the best way forward. Children do not flourish in toxic environments, they do not have the space to grow into secure adults when they do not feel safe and loved. And its not good for the adults that stay in these relationships either.

Today families look very different than they did years ago. We have same-sex couples and mixed-race couples raising healthy and well-adjusted children. And we have many children growing up in two households with “co-parenting” parents that work hard to ensure their children feel loved and cared for.

It is definitely time to change how we see the family today.

At the beach

The Family after Divorce.

For many years I felt shame about my divorce like I’d let my children down. I always dreamed about the life I wanted for my children and having experienced my own parent’s divorce as a teenager, I never wanted that for my own children. However, life rarely goes to plan and however much you think you know someone, you really don’t. So, when the time came for me to make the decision to divorce, I battled with the guilt. Not because I’d done anything wrong but when your partner cheats on you then you have a very valid reason to end the relationship, yet I still felt shame. This shame was instilled in me as a young girl, the idea that if a man cheats on you it’s because you as a woman didn’t keep them interested, and believe me a few people said that to me! And no that wasn’t just men. It took a lot of work to let go of that shame and to give up the stories around divorce.

How to raise happy children

I have a message for anyone considering divorce or in a toxic relationship, please do what you know is right for you because your children will be just fine. And remember that there are thousands of people in unhealthy, unhappy relationships raising equally unhappy insecure children.

Divorce is not shameful nor a failure and children that have parents that do not live together or that are not romantically involved can be just as happy as those with parents that are together. Because what matters most is love and freeing family members so they can thrive in a non-toxic environment.

If you show your child unconditional love and make sure you deal with your own pain then you are making sure it does not play out in your child’s life. This is what any good parent should focus on, not just the external conditions that we give so much attention to.

A happy child needs to know that they are loved and that requires the adults in their lives to focus on their children’s needs and to let go of resentment towards each other. In fact, even young adults need to know that their parents still love them because when their parents separate it throws the whole family into unknown territory. It isn’t about being a single parent or even the structure of your family that is important, it is the loving and supportive relationships that it fosters that are crucial.

A happy, secure, and fulfilled parent is much more likely to raise equally happy and secure children. Our children are watching us, they see past the facade we try to put up, so if you want your children to be healthy adults, show them what it looks like for real. So even if your family does not look like you dreamed it would, as long as you love, care, and protect each other, you are not broken.

If you or anyone you know is struggling in your relationship or going through a divorce then my new program starting in September is for you.

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