The downside to Valentine’s Day

It’s that time of the year when the shops are stacked full of red roses, boxes of expensive chocolates and people anticipating another day to celebrate love.

It should be a time for us all to feel good, except that a conversation with my seven year old twin granddaughters reminded me of the downside to Valentine’s Day.

To my amazement it appears that their school has deemed it appropriate to organise a Valentines Day party. I shouldn’t find this inappropriate but I do. You see one of the girls proudly explained that she had a “date” and then her sister sadly explained because she didn’t have “anyone” she didn’t want to go.

You might be thinking I’m overreacting because it’s just part of life. However I’ve studied the workings of the mind long enough to know that it is exactly scenarios like this that hard wire our belief system. They create the stories that lay dormant below the surface and underpin our feelings of rejection, loneliness and unworthiness throughout our life.

And they are further reinforced by the social norms in society.

No narrative is stronger than the one that glorifies romantic relationships and degrades the idea of being single.

Valentines Day is yet another reminder that if you are not in a relationship you must either have something wrong with you or you are fundamentally unhappy.

We don’t dare entertain any other narrative.

All the fairytales we read as children, the movies we watch as we grow up and the love stories we listen to through our music tell the same story.

There is only one happy ever after and it is this that predominantly drives how we live our life.

Is it any surprise that the number one cause for stress and anxiety is a broken relationship?

Is it any surprise that the number one reason for depression is the feeling of loneliness?

And is it time to stop this one sided narrative that is based on an outdated linear lifestyle?

Valentines Day and Mental Health

Valentines Day is one of those days, just like Christmas and New Year that comes with huge expectations and that incidentally happen to record the highest suicide attempts.

Ads about Valentines Day are predominantly aimed at men, making them feel that they must find the way to show their love with the perfect gift or amazing date. And just like Christmas this is often an expense some can’t afford.

All this can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment, adding unnecessary stress and anxiety.

So, what can you do to reduce the downside of Valentines Day?

1. The most important thing you can do to reduce the pressure around Valentines Day is to make a conscious decision to give it less attention. After all it is just another day, even if all the advertisements try to tell us differently. And remember you are not alone, there are many others feeling exactly like you on this day.

   It’s commercial hype designed to make you feel bad if you don’t meet the criteria, don’t buy into it.

2. If you are in a relationship and are feeling the pressure, then tell your partner! If you are in a healthy relationship then surely an honest, open discussion should always be possible. It is times like these that test a relationship, so what is it that you are learning about your relationship now?

3. If you are single and feeling unworthy, lonely or a failure, let me remind you that being single is nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, it can be lonely at times, but don’t forget you can be lonely in a room full of people. As Carl Jung wrote

   "Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible."?

4. Not everyone in a relationship is happy and not everyone that is single is unhappy.

   I know many single people that have chosen not to be in a relationship and are perfectly happy, me included. Not because we don’t believe in relationships or that we have become cynical but because we have discovered the power of being alone.

   So maybe instead of focusing on the negatives of being single find your people. Join groups, take part in activities, live your life and maybe you’ll learn to love life regardless of your relationship status.

5. Don’t buy into the glorification of relationships. We must stop buying into this story that everyone that is in a relationship is happy or that being single is a sad state. Neither is right or wrong.

   All the fairytales we hear from childhood about finding our prince or princess are just that, fairytales.

   As we all know relationships are complex. Sometimes, they last, sometimes they are just passing through.

   There are times in one’s life when you may find yourself “alone” but what you do with that time is up to you.

   You can choose to see it from a negative perspective or you can see it as an opportunity to learn real self-love. To focus on you, take care of yourself, pursue your dreams, build your network of friends and be liberated.

   Always remember that change is the only thing that is guaranteed, who knows what is around the corner?

   And perhaps remember the wise words of Gloria Steinem

“Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.”

Don’t limit your capacity to love or be loved by focusing only on romantic love.

Open your heart to the love of life.

Be totally in love with nature and the laughter of a child because when we feel this level of connection we know we are always loved regardless who is sitting next to us.