How to leave a toxic relationship
Or Toxic Situation
Believe it or not, Google has over one billion searches for the question “how to leave a toxic relationship” and over eighteen million for “how to leave a toxic friendship”. Also, there are over thirty-seven million searches for “how do I leave a job I hate!”.
This means that there is a huge percentage of the world’s population that are unhappy in their relationship, friendships and/or job. Personally, I’ve been there several times in my life, desperate to get out of a bad relationship, a friendship that is no longer aligned with who I am, and a job that was crushing my soul. I learned that often the only option is to walk away and so I’ve exercised my walking away muscle quite a few times. I no longer feel I have the luxury of time like I did when I was younger and so if I find myself in a relationship or situation that conflicts with my values and requires me to be someone I’m not, I tend to move on.
So, what keeps us stuck in toxic relationships, friendships, and situations and how do we leave? I came to the conclusion that it happens in the following way:
1. Disgust – yes you heard me disgust! We usually make the decision to end something because we reach a place of total disgust with it. When I quit smoking and gave up eating meat, it wasn’t that I realised how bad it was for me, it was that I became utterly disgusted by the idea of smoking and eating animals. I ended my marriage after I got a text message that was supposed to be for his new love interest. And in that instant, without any effort, he went from friend to complete stranger and all I felt was total disgust. When we reach this place of disgust even with someone or something we might have once loved our perspective is dramatically changed. In neuroscience, this is known as a new neurological pathway that allows us to see the same situation from a different perspective.
2. Perspective - so now armed with this new perspective, no longer looking at the person or the situation through rose-coloured glasses, you begin to notice things you may not have noticed before. Maybe it didn’t bother you when he forgot to put the toilet seat down before but now it drives you nuts!! Back to my smoking story for a minute. I tried many times to quit smoking and sometimes I’d stop for a couple of years, to end up smoking again after an argument or stressful situation. And yet when I finally did quit, about eight years ago, it was during the most difficult time in my life, right smack bang in the middle of my divorce and just after a redundancy. What had changed? I stopped seeing smoking as part of the solution and started to see it as part of the problem. And then there was no more struggle.
3. Struggle - We are taught to fight for our rights, fight against cancer, fight grief, fight everything but honestly that is the most misguided advice I’ve ever heard. It’s not in the fighting that we win, it’s in the surrender. Now don’t confuse this with being a doormat because I would never recommend that to anyone. What I mean is to give up trying to control everything and focus on more useful ways of being with whatever is causing you to suffer. To stop the struggle isn’t a passive approach, quite the opposite, it requires action, not from a place of fear (reaction) but is action from a place of self-compassion (response).
4. Limiting Beliefs - The stories we tell ourselves about what might happen if we change a situation are what keep us stuck in unhealthy situations. My limiting beliefs are often around money and how I earn it, especially since I’ve gotten older. Before then I never doubted my capabilities and so opportunities seemed to just land in my lap without much effort. Like when I returned to the UK after ten years in Cyprus with three children under the age of ten, no money, a very unstable relationship, no home, and no job. And yet after two years I was at university studying and had bought two houses. Now I am plagued by limiting thoughts like I’m too old or that I should just be sensible and get back into teaching for good. But each time I try to do that my body reacts because as Bessel Van Der Kolk says in his book “The Body Keeps the Score”, our body has memory, and it is in the body that anxiety and stress manifest. When you are starting your own business and writing a book like I am now the feeling of insecurity can become overwhelming. What if it doesn’t work? Am I good enough? So I went back to the time when I just threw caution to the wind and somehow it all worked out to understand what has changed for me since then. And I realised it was all down to:
5. Self-Worth: When I returned to the UK after ten years in Cyprus, I had three young children that depended on me, so failure wasn’t an option. Now even though I still have many dreams and ambitions my motivation isn’t as strong. So, I asked myself why and came to the conclusion that I don’t think I am worthy of more because it seems selfish, greedy, and even egoistic. This view is partly due to my past experiences and partly due to my spiritual belief. So the personal challenge is to find a way to stop buying into that story so you can respect yourself enough to walk away from anything and anyone that interrupts your peace.
Until we do that we will stay where we no longer belong and in relationships that are no longer worth our time.