5 things I wish i’d been told when I was young
Watching my granddaughters grow up so quickly I become increasingly concerned about the challenges they might face as they enter the adult world and I wonder how I can help them be better prepared for what’s ahead. What words of wisdom could I share with them so they can face their future more confidently? Because what I’ve learned from my own childhood and from all the years of teaching young people is that all it takes is one person to say the right thing at the right time to change the course of our life.
And with this in mind, I came up with 5 things I wish I’d been told when I was a young girl.
1 – You are perfect just as you are.
If I must pick one thing that has really impacted me throughout my life it would have to be the pressure to be “pretty”. For me that came in the form of being told my hair was a mess, I should wear a dress and wear make-up so boys would like me.
I recently read a post on social media that put this topic into context and it started like this:
“I was 10 when an older cousin said I would struggle with my weight my whole life. I was twelve when my mom’s friend said I shouldn’t have another piece of chocolate because I had enough and 14 when someone said I would be much prettier if I only lost some weight and 15 when I started starving myself. Why am I telling you this? Because last week my daughter told me that a friend of hers told her at a birthday party she didn’t want cake because she was fat…………her parents told her she could do with losing some weight………”
I am sure that parents only say these things out of concern for their children, but what they don’t understand is that the message they are giving is “you are not good enough”. That isn’t to say we shouldn’t encourage our children to be the best version of themselves, of course, we should. However, children learn by observing, so if we want the best for our children, then first we should become our best selves because to show rather than tell is far more useful.
And in the words of Florence Given “Women don’t owe you pretty”
It is time to let girls be girls in their own unique way and to teach them that they are not here to please others. Ps: and yes, that goes for boys too.
2 – You are not here to please others.
When I was young, I was opinionated and outspoken (I know not much has change!). However, I grew up in a culture that taught girls that their role was to serve men, and often quite literally. It wasn’t unusual for the men to sit and wait for their dinner to be served and for the woman to be the last to sit at the table. And even though I’ve always been strong willed I still had this way of thinking ingrained in me. To be a good wife, mother, daughter and even employee I should accommodate and put others first.
I recently watched an interview with Antonio Banderas where he said
“The most important word is “No”. Those that say no are the winners. Those that say yes all the time become cheap”
This is a valuable lesson to learn from a young age because what it says is “I value myself and my time”. And when we say no to things and people that do not deserve space in our life, then we make room for what we truly deserve.
My granddaughter’s favourite word at the moment is NO, we just have to teach them how to express that more skilfully.
3 – Happiness is an inner job.
This is super important because if I knew this when I was younger, I would have focused more on developing myself and less on trying to impress others. I would not have put my happiness in the hands of others or given so much value to material things. I would not have wasted time worrying about money, possessions, and other people’s opinions and spent more time enjoying life.
In a world that has become increasingly materialistic, it is even harder to understand that happiness is not dependent on who you have in your life or the things you own, because if your inner world is a mess, how can you be happy? It doesn’t mean we should live in poverty or give up all our possessions, it just means not letting these things dictate how we live our life. It’s about cultivating an attitude of “happy with and happy without”, this is what we call “non-attachment” in Buddhism.
4 – You don’t have to know the answers
Aristotle is quoted as saying “All I know is I know nothing”
and as I get older, I understand the wisdom in these words because every day I am proved wrong about something or someone. And one thing aging can give us is the experience to know that anything and everything is possible at any given moment. We don’t have to know, in fact, isn’t it just wonderful to not know?
This week someone asked me
“Is there only one way to achieve your dream life, or could it manifest in different ways with the same result?”
My answer is, of course, and therefore our job isn’t to stick to one way of doing or seeing things, it is to stay open-minded and trust the process. True intelligence isn’t knowing facts and figures, true intelligence is having the courage to be comfortable with not-knowing.
5 – Don’t be ashamed to ask for what you want
One thing I am certain of is that when we don’t ask, we don’t get and if we have grown up thinking that we don’t deserve more or better then we will never ask. And yes, ladies this includes what we want sexually, something we were never told when we were young girls. In fact quite the opposite, we were taught that to ask for what we want is unladylike. Just imagine if you had been told that you are entitled to ask for what you want in your life, what would have been different for you? Would you have achieved more? Would you have left unhealthy relationships sooner? Would you have gone for that job?
It all starts by knowing what we want and then asking for it. And that is what I try to show my granddaughters, now I just need to help them do that without the tantrums!