Single Shaming: Breaking Free from Society's Bias
I started to think that I was either very strange or totally alone in my view of marriage and relationships, especially since I was married for over three decades!
Since my divorce, I’ve battled with the feeling that I must get back into a relationship. So, at the age of 52, I ventured into the big bad world of dating and soon discovered that I’m just not into relationships anymore. That was ten years ago!
Why?
I’m not anti-relationships or anti-marriage. At this point in my life, I don’t feel the need for a ‘special someone’ because I have so much to do, so much time to make up for, and so many dreams for my future. Yes, even at my age!
But then I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I’m not alone. There are many people like me who don’t live their lives dreaming of meeting that missing piece or even feel there is a missing piece!
However, what has disappointed me is how society is so biased towards single people.
Trevor Noah eloquently explains this in a podcast interview where he states,
“Society has deemed me a loser.”
Despite all his success, he explains that the one thing he is consistenly judged on is his relationship status!
A few weeks ago, I decided to do a little experiment and updated my Facebook status to say
‘In a relationship.’
Before I knew it, the congratulations came flooding in, literally within seconds.
In recent years, I’ve done a lot: travelled solo to the hilltops of Kathmandu, to the volcanoes of Iceland, published my first book, started a business, and even quit smoking.
But none of that seemed to be as important as getting myself a new man!
And I nearly fell back into that, with someone that was clearly not a match, purely because I felt without a man by my side I’d end up a sad old lady! Thankfully, I woke up before I lost another decade of my life.
Now, I hear all those out there thinking, “Oh, she’s bitter!”
And you know what? You might have a point; I am a little bitter, but more importantly, I’m so damn angry.
"Oh, it's because she can't pull anymore!"
Well, maybe you're right. So, I'll leave the pulling to the more desirable among you and take my seat in the corner.
It is precisely these societal biases that inspired me to write my book.
In my book, "How Did I Get Here?", I talk about how we over-romanticise relationships with fairytales of happily ever after and paint pictures of single people being sad and lonely.
We teach children that there is some kind of linear life that they must live so they can be happy, and it’s not until our life falls apart that we begin to question that whole story, hence the title of my book, "How Did I Get Here?"
What we don’t learn as children is that there are as many, if not more, unhappy relationships as there are unhappy single people. Even when we are watching our own parents and the other adults around us tear each other apart because they refuse to let go of their toxic relationships, we are still told, “This is better than being alone!”
So, let me ask you a question.
Are you someone who is hugely successful in your career or personal ambitions but struggling in an unhappy relationship?
Do you feel judged by others because you haven’t got yourself a wife or husband, or maybe you just don’t feel being in a relationship is for you?
Well, let me tell you, you don’t have to be in a relationship, and you certainly don’t have to stay in an unhappy one – that is all part of the fairytale that needs to be re-written!
Here’s my understanding of love and relationships:
Love is not the same as lust, desire, or need. If you need someone so much that you think you’ll die without them, that is an unhealthy attachment, not love!
Relationships, just like everything, change. Understand that sometimes people are just no longer aligned, and that is perfectly natural. Forcing things to stay the same only leads to more pain.
Being single isn’t a failure. It might be difficult for some to face the reality of making a life alone, but there is so much freedom in being single. Once you master your own life, you will be very precious with your time and space.
Mastering your own life means you are more authentic with others and can help you build much healthier relationships, in whatever format works for you. And it doesn’t have to fit into society’s norm!
Sex isn’t a good enough reason to be in a relationship. Yes, let’s have that conversation, shall we? Many people tell me they are in a relationship or looking for one because they can’t imagine life without sex. So my question is, are we saying that single people don’t have sex or that couples are having passionate adventures every night? People, please, at least be honest with yourselves!
Let me end with this:
Our relationship status has nothing to do with success.
If I were speaking without experience, you would be right to dismiss my words. But having been on both sides, I can tell you that success is a personal journey, and it certainly doesn’t depend on who’s standing next to you!
If any of this resonates with you and you feel judged by your relationship status, let’s have a conversation and see how working with me can help you reframe that story.