How Personal Experiences Shape Our View of the World
Today is Father’s Day, and it fills me with joy to see how my sons have grown into loving, present, and caring fathers. They provide my granddaughters with the security they need as they grow into young ladies, preparing them to venture into the world with a clear understanding of what a good man should be.
To me, this embodies the role of a father: being the role model children need as they grow up. Of course, this also applies to our mothers, who play a crucial role in shaping how we perceive the world and, ultimately, ourselves.
However, Father’s Day is not a happy occasion for me; in fact, it feels like just another day. If you've read my book, "How Did I Get Here?" you’ll know about my relationship with my father.
But for those who haven’t, let me give you a brief overview.
My father was an addict, his vice being gambling. He wasn’t violent, didn’t drink or take drugs, which might make it hard for some to understand how this addiction impacted our family.
An addict builds their life around their addiction. Everything they do is to satisfy their craving, whether it's for a drink, a drug, or in my father’s case, the next card game. This obsession overshadows all other responsibilities, including being a father or a husband, leading them to lie, manipulate, and devastate everyone around them.
My relationship with my father was strained, worse than it was for my brother and sister. I never hid my feelings, even as a young child. I felt his heavy presence in my life, and over the years, my view of men became so distorted that I wouldn’t have recognised a good man if he hit me in the face!
When my father died, I was sad, of course, but I haven’t felt his loss in my life. As a young girl, I often wished he’d go away or worse. He was a weak man with little empathy for his children. He gambled everything away, leaving us nearly homeless on one occasion until my mother made an arrangement with the bank.
He never had a kind word for me. In fact, we rarely talked. When my mother finally left him after twenty years of marriage, he blamed me for ‘encouraging’ her to leave – that really says it all doesn’t it?
I’m not writing this to gain sympathy because, in truth, I’m grateful to my father.
I believe all our experiences serve a purpose, especially the difficult ones.
My challenging relationship with my father gave me the capacity to understand and empathise with the troubled children I taught during my teaching days. It helped me develop a keen awareness of other people’s pain and suffering.
So, I don’t resent my father, even though I would have wished for a better one. He had his demons, and his capacity to be a good father was limited.
This brings me to the point of this post.
It’s important to remember that just because something is our perspective and experience, it doesn’t mean it’s the same for others.
Recently, I attended a women’s business event in London, and I found that some of the statements made by the speakers didn’t resonate with me at all!
One speaker claimed that women who wear black do so because they don’t want to be seen. This to me is a common misconception which goes back to the days when feminity was all about girls being ‘pretty little things!’.
If a man wears black, it’s considered sexy and strong, but if a woman does, it’s because she doesn’t want to be seen?
I think that’s a very judgmental and sexist viewpoint.
I wear black simply because it suits me best and it’s easy to wear. I don’t seek attention through my clothing, in fact I don’t dress to impress anyway!
Another speaker explained that a successful coach should know their clients' pain points and provide solutions.
She then went on to boast about purchasing her first £1.2 million property. It seemed to me that she was implying her clients' pain point was the need for a £1.2 million property or that her success was validated by affording such a property.
While most of the women in the room got excited by this, I found it extremely patronising because it is the assumption that we all have those sorts of aspirations.
Which brings me to another common point raised at these women events - that if we are not money motivated then we must have something wrong with us - no, simply some of us are not that way inclinded.
I’m not going to a therapist because I don’t get turned on by a million pound mansion but certainly do by a quiet cabin by a lake!
So, let’s return to my original point.
Father’s Day might be a joyful occasion for some, while for others, it might bring traumatic experiences to the surface.
Some women might feel the need to be seen through their appearance, while others, like me, do not feel this need.
Success to some might be a huge house and a flashy car, while others find fulfilment in simpler, non-materialistic aspects of life.
At the event, there was also a lot of talk about ‘feminine energy’ and how women are inherently loving and supportive. I found this perspective narrow-minded. I’ve often found it easier to get along in predominantly male environments. Does that make me any less feminine?
This is exactly why I wrote my book – to highlight the importance of understanding that our perspective is just that, our own.
As my Buddhist teacher, Ven. Robina Courtin, says,
‘Buddhism is the lens by which I view the world.’
So I know that when I look out into the world, my perspective is led by my Buddhist perspective and I am fully aware of that.
Our job is to become aware of the lens through which we view the world, change what is not beneficial, and remember that my lens is not the same as yours. So, let’s avoid sweeping statements and remember:
I am me, and you are you.
If you resonate with my perspective and need support to move forward after a breakup, divorce, or simply feeling that something isn't quite right, why not start with a free taster session? Book now, and let's have a meaningful conversation about your journey ahead.