What is wrong with me?
Throughout my life, I've often questioned why I feel the way I do, especially when it comes to large gatherings.
I should have been excited about a recent trip to Cyprus for a family wedding but instead for almost two years leading up to it all I felt was anxious and stressed.
I attempted to explain my emotions to my family, but it's challenging for anyone who hasn't experienced it firsthand to truly grasp the difficulties of enduring constant external stimuli, like I do. I struggle to comprehend it myself, so it's only natural that I can't expect others to fully understand.
It came as no surprise that after the wedding concluded, my body seemed to protest, as if to say, "Anna, that was far too much!" I became unwell, spending nearly 24 hours totally floored and slept for 15-hours straight —an impressive achievement considering my usual routine of just 6 hours of sleep.
For the rest of my trip I was uncomfortable and tired, not even the early morning swim in the sea could relieve it.
Now, having returned from this three-week trip to Cyprus I feel completely exhausted. In fact, I’ve not wanted to leave my home. It’s like I need to detox and not just physically but perhaps even more so, emotionally.
When I've shared my feelings with others, the general consensus has been that it's probably the September Blues, the return to routine, or the onset of winter impacting me. However, I have a hunch that these common factors might not be the underlying cause of my low mood. To gain better insight, I embarked on a bit of self-reflection.
Self-reflection to better understand yourself
Unlike most children, I derived more joy from spending time with a few close friends than being surrounded by a large group. Even as a young girl, I could happily spend hours in my bedroom alone, listening to music and working on my scrapbooks. Truancy from school became a regular occurrence for me as I preferred sitting in the park alone, watching the ducks swim in the pond, over engaging in trivial conversations with people my age.
As my teenage years approached, my mother grew concerned. Why wasn't I insisting on going out like my sister? I wasn't a recluse; I had friends and was socially active to a reasonable extent. Yet, there was always a part of me that yearned for the peace and quiet of my own space.
The paradox lies in the fact that I am not shy, nor do I fear speaking up. I even enjoy being around other people, but only in short bursts! So how does someone who is fairly confident and sociable also crave solitude and introspection?
I’m a what? - An introvert!
My understanding of myself took a significant turn when I stumbled upon Susan Cain's book "Quiet." In her work, she sheds light on the scientific basis behind the way I feel, explaining:
"One major difference between the brains of introverts and extroverts is the way we respond to the neurotransmitter dopamine."
To clarify, dopamine is the neurotransmitter that reacts to external rewards, and extroverts tend to be more driven by these external incentives, such as money, sex, social status, food, and social connections.
Conversely, introverts have a lower tolerance for dopamine and are less enticed by these external rewards. Instead, they are more attuned to acetylcholine, the pleasure transmitter, which is activated by introspection and turning inward.
It seems that I align more with the introverted side of this spectrum, a realisation I hadn't explored before. This revelation shouldn't come as a surprise, though, as it resonates with how I've lived my life, particularly my inclination towards introspection and contemplation.
Cold v Heat, Light v Dark - What’s best?
As I reflected on the question, "What is wrong with me?" I also found myself contemplating why I prefer the cold over heat and why I'm more drawn to the mountains than lounging in the sun on a beach.
Did you know that contrary to popular belief, when it's cold, your body actually works harder, resulting in increased endorphin production? Having more endorphins in your system can lead to a happier state of mind and provide stress relief. Cold temperatures can also contribute to higher energy levels and improved concentration. This might explain why people in colder countries like Finland, Norway, Iceland, and Sweden tend to report higher levels of happiness compared to those in warmer climates.
So once again, it turns out that even my preference for colder climates isn’t so unusual or irrational after all.
Four tips for introverts (or people that need quiet!)
When you start feeling overwhelmed by social interactions and noisy environments, it's crucial to understand that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. In fact, it's estimated that about 50% of the world's population identifies as introverted, so you're definitely not alone!
Recognising who you are and what you need is a significant aspect of self-care. Embrace your true self and avoid pretending to be someone you're not.
Communicate your feelings to those around you so they are aware of your need for some personal time and space.
Take steps to organise your life in a way that allows you to have the essential alone time you require.
After all this introspection, I've finally found the answer to my lifelong question: "What is wrong with me?" It turns out there's nothing wrong at all; it's simply the way I'm wired.
Not conforming to the popular view doesn't imply there's anything wrong with you; it simply means you are uniquely you!
If you find it challenging to embrace self-acceptance or to understand the reasons behind your behaviours and emotions, then you will benefit from reading my book, How did I get here?
Within its pages, I accompany you on a journey, delving into the chapters of your life to unravel the path that led you to where you stand today. Together, we navigate a process of letting go, allowing you to realign your life with your authentic self.
Or order at your local bookshop!