Exploring the Grieving Process: A Key to Moving On After Breakup or Divorce
Most mental health experts agree that there are five stages of grief that someone goes through after experiencing a loss, such as a divorce.
These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually acceptance.
While we often assume these stages occur in a specific sequence, they can actually manifest in any order. Moreover, not everyone will go through all five stages, and some individuals may revisit certain stages multiple times during their grief recovery, while others may not.
Each person's experience is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach to grieving.
In my book, ‘How did I get here?’ I share my personal story of divorce and how it turned my life upside. The following is a short extract where I write about my initial experience:
‘As I stepped outside for the first time since the day my marriage ended, I felt the cool breeze of June in London touch my face, and for a moment I forgot the mess that was my life.
I was struggling to do anything normal, like sleeping, getting dressed and holding a conversation that wasn’t about my situation. I was living like a zombie, just going through the motions having not quite come to terms with the recent events.’
At the time I didn’t know that I was grieving, after all, nobody had died!
Many who have experienced a breakup or divorce can confirm that it can feel like a form of death, but without the sympathy typically extended to grieving widows or widowers.
Instead, it often evokes feelings of pity and judgment from others.
Change of any kind can feel like a loss. We must release the stories or beliefs we held about our future, the person we shared so much with, and even question our own ability to perceive the truth that may have been evident all along.
Therefore, if we want to recover from a breakup, we must allow ourselves to go through the grieving process, just as we would for any other significant loss in our lives.
Grieving the Loss of Marriage or Relationship
The loss of marriage or relationship is ranked the second most stressful life event on the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale. The difference is that unlike losing a loved one through death, a break up or divorce comes with feelings of rejection, alongside anger, shame and even guilt.
The grieving process that is commonly experienced from a divorce or separation often peaks within the first six months of and can last up to two years. Although I’d argue that if it isn’t addressed early on, the impact can be much longer.
So let’s have a look at these 5 stages of grieving, which was first described in 1969 by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.
Shock & Denial
Denial is a stage that can initially help you navigate through the emotional turmoil of a breakup or divorce by triggering a fight-or-flight response geared towards survival.
When you're in denial, life might feel like it's lost its meaning and become overwhelmingly confusing. You begin to reject the reality of what's happened and may even feel emotionally numb.
During this phase, it's common to wonder how life will move forward in this new reality. You're in a state of shock because everything has changed so suddenly.
For instance, after a breakup, you might doubt the reality of the situation, thinking perhaps it's just a temporary misunderstanding or hoping your ex will come back. In denial, you're not fully confronting the reality of the breakup; instead, you're clinging to a version of reality that feels less painful.
Interestingly, denial and shock serve as protective mechanisms that help us cope and survive the initial impact of grief from a breakup or divorce. Denial allows us to pace our emotions, preventing us from becoming completely overwhelmed.
It's like our mind's way of saying, "I can only process so much at once."
As the denial and shock begin to fade, the healing process can start. This is when the suppressed feelings start to surface, and we begin to confront the reality of our loss and start the journey towards healing.
Anger
As reality sinks in after a breakup or divorce, you may find yourself struggling with feelings of anger directed towards your ex-partner. This stage often involves questioning "Why me?" and feeling that life is unfair.
It's not uncommon to blame others for the pain you're experiencing and to lash out at close friends and family. You might struggle to understand how this situation could have happened to you. For those with strong faith, this might lead to questioning beliefs about God's protection and presence: Where is God in all of this? Why didn't God intervene?
Researchers and mental health professionals emphasise that experiencing anger is a necessary part of the grief process. They encourage allowing yourself to fully feel this anger. Although it may feel like an endless cycle, acknowledging and processing your anger is crucial for healing. Suppressing these feelings can be detrimental—it's a natural response and arguably a necessary one.
However, while it's important to acknowledge and work through anger, it's equally important not to let it control you. Seeking support from a trained counsellor or therapist can be invaluable if you find yourself struggling to process and manage your anger.
During this stage, unresolved issues from the relationship may come to the forefront, accompanied by a flood of emotions like overwhelm, frustration, shame, and guilt. These feelings can manifest physically, such as through panic attacks, as was my experience.
In everyday life, we're often told to control our anger towards situations and others. Yet, in the midst of grief, you might feel disconnected from reality, like you've lost your footing. Your life has been shattered, and there's no solid ground to hold onto.
Anger can actually serve as a connection to reality during this challenging time. It might feel like you've been deserted or abandoned, believing that no one understands or is there for you. Redirecting anger towards something or someone can help anchor you back to reality and reconnect you with people.
It becomes a tangible outlet—a natural step towards healing.
Bargaining
The third stage of a divorcing spouse’s grieving for the soon to be ended marriage is the bargaining stage. In the bargaining stage of the grief process, the divorcing spouse still believes, at some level, that reconciliation is possible.
This belief can exist despite the other spouse’s clear communication that reconciliation is not possible. We all hold on to that last bit of hope, right?
The bargaining spouse is trying to fix their broken marriage, thinking “what if I …”, “I should have …” They try to rationalise what has happened to their marriage, even if there isn’t any way to rationalise it. He or she may believe offering a reasonable settlement will result in reconciliation. On the other hand, the grieving spouse may be very indecisive or afraid to make reasonable settlement demands in fear the other spouse will be less likely to reconcile.
The bargaining spouse needs to move toward confronting divorce issues head on, rather than viewing every divorce decision through a filter of “will this encourage my spouse to get back with me?”
Depression & Detachment
Depression often accompanies grief. It can stem from the sense of emptiness when facing the reality that a significant relationship has ended. During this phase, you may withdraw from activities, feel emotionally numb, struggle to engage with daily life, and find it challenging to get out of bed.
The world might seem daunting and overwhelming, leading you to prefer solitude and feeling a profound sense of hopelessness.
It's not uncommon to have thoughts like, "What's the point of moving forward?"
Acceptance
Acceptance, the final stage of grief identified by Kübler-Ross, doesn't mean accepting that the divorce is okay or justified. Instead, it's about coming to terms with the reality of the situation: "My marriage has ended, but I will be okay."
In this stage, your emotions may start to stabilise as you re-engage with reality. You acknowledge that your previous relationship is over, and while it's not a positive outcome, you recognise that you can move forward.
This phase involves continuous adjustment.
There will be good days and bad days, but gradually, the good days will become more frequent than the bad ones. You may begin to emerge from the emotional fog, reconnect with friends, and even consider new relationships as you evolve and adapt to your new reality.
Need Help with Moving On from a Break Up or Divorce?
Getting through the grief of a breakup or divorce can be incredibly challenging, which is why I am passionate about the work I do and why I developed my signature program, 'The Break Up'.
While traditional therapy provides a valuable starting point for recovery, I discovered the need for a more future-focused approach to rebuilding life after such a significant loss.
My primary aim is to help individuals turn their breakup into a breakthrough—we begin by allowing space for grieving and then shift focus towards creating the fulfilling life they deserve.
Want to Know More?
Well, start by joining my mini-course, ‘Breakup to Breakthrough’ - it’s completely free, so nothing to lose and lots to gain!