How to let go of regret and forgive yourself

This morning I had a conversation with a client about how difficult it is to go through a divorce after a long-term relationship. In my case it was thirty years, in hers, it was forty-five!

I can honestly say that I don’t have any regrets however that wasn’t always the case. After my divorce, I was constantly riddled with regret about getting married in the first place and then for staying in it for so long. I wished I’d followed my dream of studying law and becoming a famous barrister.

In his book “The body keeps the score” Bessel Van Der Kolk talks about how trauma is held in the body and stays dormant until triggered by a memory of the event. And Bruce Lipton in his book “The biology of belief” makes the point that our beliefs can stimulate a change in our body’s chemicals causing stress, anxiety, and even long-term illness. On the flip side, he also gives evidence to show that with strong positive beliefs we can help our body heal itself. The reason I share this here is that it is important to understand that by constantly thinking about the past and wishing it was different, we are keeping that memory in our present life. This is explained in neuroscience as

“Neurons that fire together wire together.” – in other words when we keep following the same pattern of thinking we hard wire that neuropathway.

Therefore I’d suggest that we find a way to rewire our brains to look forward with more optimism and joy rather than being stuck in the past. And to do that we need to start by forgiving ourselves for perceived past mistakes.

This process can help us let go of regret and forgive ourselves:

1. Start by becoming familiar with those thoughts of regret. Believe it or not, you might think you have lots of new thoughts every day but when you pay attention, you’ll soon notice that your thoughts are the same, day in and day out.

2. Get a notebook and write down your thoughts as you become aware of them. Do this for a week and then look back at your notes. Are there any thoughts that stand out? Do you keep going over the same “I wish I had not done…………” or “I wish I had done that………”?

3. Now you need to start asking yourself this question every single time you notice the thought come up “Is this useful?” and then at that moment, change the thought. Replace it with something like “I can’t change it, so I’ll let it go”

4. Acceptance is key to letting go of regret because what can we do about the past? Nothing, absolutely nothing! And there is nobody in this world that hasn’t made a wrong turn or wrong choice, honestly, it really is part of life.

5. Here’s another perspective to consider:

   What if there was no such thing as a mistake? What if everything always works out exactly as it should? When I started to look at things in this way, I knew everything was exactly as it should be. If not then I wouldn’t have my three sons and my amazing granddaughters. And what if not studying to become a top barrister saved my life, I mean who knows what might have happened? What if I studied all those years to end up hating my work anyway? Because when you really think about it, we have no clue if our mistakes were mistakes or blessings. My divorce has enabled me to live a much more inspired life. Going into teaching meant I was there for a few children just at the right time. This perspective has helped me let go of all my regrets.

6. Once you have learned to accept the past just as it was, then it’s time to shift toward the future. How can you put things right? Is it a conversation that you need to have with someone? Or a life choice that you need to correct?

7. It’s what we do in the here and now that will determine our future.

   Look at your life today, what can you do that will make you happy now? What can you do to make peace with your past?

I want to leave you with this:

Self-forgiveness requires a fundamental mind shift.

The first and most important point to remember is that we can’t do a thing about the past because it doesn’t exist anywhere except in our constant rumination. So maybe it’s time to let that go?

Then we must learn to really love ourselves. How do you do that you might be asking? Well, let me tell you how it happened to me.

In the first few weeks of my separation, all I did was cry. Then one day with the tears freely flowing I stopped to look at myself in the mirror and I drew close enough to look deeply into my eyes. And at that moment, looking back at me was the little girl that had been let down so often and I felt such compassion for that child, all I could do was apologise and promise to take better care of her because she deserved better. Self-love isn’t just a nice thing to do, it is our responsibility.

So now I’m going to ask you to do something.

Find a photo of when you were about five or six and sit somewhere quiet.

Take your time to really look at the photo, and try to remember how that little girl laughed and cried. Go to the mirror, and take a long look into your eyes, can you see that little child looking back at you? Now promise her that from now on you will take really good care of her and that you will stop blaming, regretting, and feeling bad about yourself because you love her, unconditionally.

You don’t have to do this alone, I’m here to help if this is something you are struggling with.

Let’s start with a complimentary chat over a virtual coffee to see how I can help you move forward in your life.