The Power of Walking Away

Life Lessons

19 Feb

In recent weeks, there has been a lot of upheaval in my life, mostly from events that are impacting my family. In the past, I've been a very reactive person, and to a certain extent, I still am. We can call that 'thinking on our feet,' which can be a positive attribute, especially in times of crisis. However, I've also come to see that often it is this very tendency to react that can trigger events that, in hindsight, we'd wished we never acted upon.

So what is it that makes us react, often without thinking about the consequences?

Our reactions are often influenced by a combination of factors, including our emotions, past experiences, instincts, and immediate perceptions of a situation. Here are some key factors that contribute to our reactive behaviour:

Emotions: Emotions play a significant role in how we respond to different situations. When we feel threatened, stressed, angry, or fearful, our emotions can override our ability to think rationally, leading us to react impulsively.
Instincts: Humans have evolved with certain instinctual responses to danger or perceived threats. These instinctual reactions can kick in automatically, without conscious thought, in order to protect ourselves or others.
Past experiences: Our past experiences shape our perceptions and behaviors. If we've had negative experiences in similar situations before, we may be more likely to react defensively or aggressively in similar future situations, even if the current circumstances don't warrant it.
Social influences: Our reactions can also be influenced by the social dynamics of a situation. We may feel pressure to conform to the behaviour of those around us or to uphold certain social norms, even if it goes against our better judgment.
Cognitive biases: Various cognitive biases, such as confirmation bias or the availability heuristic, can distort our perceptions and lead us to make quick, often flawed judgments that drive our reactions.
Lack of mindfulness: Sometimes, we react without thinking simply because we're not fully present or mindful in the moment. In a fast-paced world filled with distractions, it's easy to let our minds wander and to react automatically without considering the consequences.

Overall, our ability to react without thinking about the consequences is often a result of a complex interplay between our emotions, instincts, past experiences, and cognitive processes. Developing greater self-awareness, emotional regulation skills, and critical thinking abilities can help us become more mindful and intentional in our responses.

Choosing to Walk Away: A Conscious Response Over Reactive Behaviour

One of the most powerful responses to a threatening or negative situation is to walk away. I’ve often thought that it takes a lot more courage to walk away than to stand up to someone who might be insulting you. In fact, there is a Buddhist teaching that encourages us to learn to take insults as compliments. This might sound a little counterintuitive, but if we think about it, we might understand that not allowing the insult to affect us is a powerful response. Even Jesus teaches us to 'turn the other cheek!'

Walking Away from People, Situations, and Stories of How Things 'Should Be’

All too often, we convince ourselves that the right course of action is to persist through a situation, to remain steadfast in our relationships because it's deemed the morally correct choice, or to tightly cling to narratives dictating how our lives should unfold and who we should become. These convictions often stem from past ideals that seemed fitting at the time. However, just because something was deemed right or functional in the past doesn't necessitate its continued imposition upon our present circumstances, let alone our future.

Sometimes, the signs indicating it's time to walk away are evident, but we opt to overlook them. Acknowledging these signs may demand uncomfortable or even threatening changes, prompting us to shy away from them.

I, too, have encountered this dilemma numerous times. For instance, prior to my divorce, I grappled with profound feelings of discontent and a longing to be someone other than the person trapped in a stifling marriage, hindering my personal growth. Despite these feelings, I hesitated to disrupt my family unit based solely on intuition, as potent as it was.

I believe that often it is easier to walk away from a relationship or a job, and much harder to let go of the stories we have become so attached to that we just don’t know who we would be without them. These are the stories we tell ourselves about who we are, the attributes we use to describe ourselves, and have come to think of as part of us. These stories may have been assigned to us as young children – you know, the ones where you were told as a young child that you were the clever one or not so pretty, or you have a bad temper, or whatever else – and as a child, you’ve taken those on and still cling to them today because you believe them to be true. But in reality, you are more than any of those things, even though walking away from them seems impossible.

Let’s consider an even more difficult personal situation: the stories you’ve told yourself about your life and where you should be at this point in your life.

You had a plan or a dream, and at some point, you were one hundred percent certain that this is what you wanted. Maybe it was a dream of happy families and romantic love, maybe it was about having a big house and riches, maybe it was about some exciting career, and yet none of that really happened, or maybe you don’t even want it today but keep on trying to attain it because that was the plan and anything else would be a failure. So, we keep on pushing and pulling, closing ourselves off from any other possible paths forward.

And this is where the power of walking away comes in:

It’s the realisation that what was once a dream is no longer what we truly desire. And with that realisation comes a choice: do we continue to pursue something that we have outgrown, or do we walk away?

You see, there are so many possibilities in walking away and so few in clinging to what and who you are no longer.